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The Badger Game/Transcript
Note: This transcript does not record every action a character makes. It is specifically from the subtitles of the episode, with minor editing to showcase the exact dialogue that was uttered. Any visible line that is shown from typing indicates a scene transition. Ed: Hey, Molly, can you pass the OJ? Molly? :(shutter clicks) Liz: Try texting her. It’s the only mode of communication she recognizes. :(phone buttons beep) :(Molly’s phone beeps) Ed: Did you see that? She swiped me! I can’t believe she just swiped me. What if I was choking? Liz: Why would you text her if you were choking? Ed: Because I wouldn’t be able to talk. Liz: Okay, that actually makes sense. Ed: This is getting worse. She used to respond to my texts, even my homemade memes. This is starting to become a problem. Liz: Well, so let it become a problem. You know, if she doesn’t respond to a text about some family activity, for example… Ed: Thompson family poker night? We should really do that. Liz: Yeah, we’ll see. My point is, you know, she misses the text, and she misses Thompson family poker night, or some other activity she might actually enjoy. You know, it’s all about consequences. It’s our job to teach them to make mistakes. That’s how they learn. Ed: Well, I’m not gonna say you’re wrong, but you’re not right. It’s our job to teach them not to make mistakes in the first place. You know, stop the problem before it happens. That way, there’s less yelling and hurt feelings, and more kids doing what we want them to do. Liz: Fine, so go confront her. Ed: Or… Better yet, I’ll find an app that’ll do it for me. :(door bangs) Jeremy: I finally got her. Liz: Sweetie, who did you get, and did she wanna get got? Jeremy: I called social services, and guess what? That woman Dorothy isn’t in their database. So if she’s not Nick’s social worker, then who is she? Liz: You sound crazy. You know, I hope I don’t find a bulletin with pictures connected by red yarn in your room. Jeremy: Why am I the only one concerned here? Liz: Because you’re a questioner and you don’t take things at face value. And that’s what we love about you, but sometimes, things are exactly the way they seem. Jeremy: You are so naive. :(door bangs) Nick: Good morning, Thompsons. Do I smell hollandaise sauce? Liz: Ooh, good nose. Do you like your eggs Benedict or Florentine? Nick: I’m a purist. Bacon good, spinach bad. Hey, Molly, can you pass the OJ? Molly: Oh, sure, here you go. Ed: Unbelievable! Hey, Molly, can I, uh, borrow your phone for a sec? Molly: Wait, what are you doing? I was organizing a beach clean-up with the Volunteer Squad. Do you know how many sea turtles die each year from plastic straws? Ed: I’ll give it right back. Nick: Beach clean-up sounds awesome. So much better than Becky’s Highway clean-up. Molly: I know, right? Tamika almost got crushed by a semi while chasing a plastic bag. Ed: You know what else is crushing? Sending a text and not getting a response. But hey, here’s Reply Now to the rescue. Molly: What’s Reply Now? Ed: Oh, it’s no big deal. It’s an app. If you don’t respond to our text within five minutes, it automatically freezes your phone. :(bangs phone) Molly: What? That is so unfair! Why am I being singled out? Ed: Because Nick and Jeremy reply to my texts. Jeremy: Yeah, we’re not animals. Molly: (Molly sighs) Revolution 101, Dad: the more you try to control the people, the harder they resist. Ed: I have a good feeling about this. Let me send a practice text. :(phone buttons beep) :(beep) Ed: See? She responded. Problem solved. No yelling or hurt feelings. Better parenting through technology. Liz: More like avoiding parenting through technology. Ed: What are you talking about? I’m being proactive. Liz: No. You’re being the opposite of proactive. You’re letting the app do all the hard work for you. Ed: If only there was an app that could explain this to you. Jeremy: Nick, you’re family, right? Nick: Yeah, dude. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Nick: So as family, I think it’s my job to, uh, break some truths down for you. (takes a deep breath, exhales) I don’t think Dorothy is on the level. That woman is sketchy. Nick: Fascinating. Jeremy: But I think we can get to the bottom of this, together. Anything you wanna share with me that could help us figure this all out faster? Nick: You know, you’re a very suspicious person. Jeremy: Thank you. Nick: I often find that suspicious people are the ones hiding secrets of their own. What are your secrets? Jeremy: Wha—I don’t have secrets. My life is an open book, available to the public seven years after my two-term presidency. Liz: I expect an autographed copy. Ed: Let’s see if Molly wants a copy. :(phone beeps) Ed: She does not. Jeremy: Fine, I’ll get to the bottom of this on my own. ---- :(theme opening) Nick: Did you get the money? Tony: Yeah, yeah, ey, thanks, Nicky. Great job. How’s it going with the Thompsons? Nick: Everything is under control. Except for Jeremy. Tony: Oh, man, it’s annoying how smart that kid is. All right, just keep making him seem paranoid. He’ll break. Nick: Yeah, but I wish he would just stop snooping around. Tony: W-w-wait, remember, con is short for confidence. That’s the first thing you have to get from him. Then, just do something to prove he can trust you, and he’ll get off your back. Nick: I’m on it, Dad. Molly: Oh, my God. The student council president just moved away. There’s gonna be a special election in three days. ---- Nick: You should totally run for student body president. Jeremy: (sarcastic) Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Nick: I’m serious. This is a great idea. Jeremy: I don’t think so. Nick: Why not? Jeremy: Well, for starters, I just became sophomore class rep. I can’t abandon that responsibility. I mean, and student council president is still a full two years away on my resume from the future. I can show you if you like. Nick: Please don’t. Jeremy: Besides, Lisa Haddad is running unopposed. She’s the vice president, she’s next in line, and she’s a senior. The president has always been a senior. Lisa: Hey, Jeremy. Hey, Nick. Jeremy: Hey, Lisa. Lisa: Hey, oh, here, have some buttons. Nick: “Give a nod to Lisa Haddad.” Snappy. Lisa: Right? Oh, by the way, great job running costume dance. You are killing it as sophomore class rep. And Nick, thanks for the amazing work you’re doing with the Volunteer Squad. Such passion, such commitment. Thanks for your support. Jeremy: See? She’s a natural. There’s no way I can beat her. Nick: Yes, you can. With me as your campaign manager. :(snorts) Nick: Look, I get it. You’re suspicious of me, but I wanna help you. Jeremy: That makes me more suspicious. Nick: Let me prove to you that I’m on your side. I want us to be friends. Jeremy: What do you know about the intricate inner workings of student government? Nick: Quite a lot, actually. At my old school, I helped another student become president, and she didn’t have half the people skills you do. Jeremy: I did take a seminar. Nick: Look, it’ll be an uphill climb, but I’ll be your electoral Sherpa. You can become the youngest student body president in school history. Jeremy: The youngest student body president in history. That would be historic. So, let’s just say, uh, for argument’s sake, that I was interested. What’s your plan? Nick: I’m going to do something no one ever thinks of doing. I’m going to talk to every constituency in school, see where their heads are at, and gently show them that you’re the man to deliver. Jeremy: No one ever thinks of doing that. Nick: I know. I just have to count the number of votes you’re likely to get, and make sure you have at least 51 percent. Jeremy: I can’t argue with that. I mean, it does seem cruel to deny the school my talents just because of an arbitrary thing like my age. Nick: It really would be unfair to them. Jeremy: I’m not saying I trust you. Nick: Of course not. Jeremy: But I’m willing to see what you’ve got. I’m in. Nick: Good choice… Mr. President. ---- :(giggling) Molly: Looks like we’ve got a big group set to go out to the beach on Friday. Xuan: I got us boogie boards. Molly: It’s beach clean-up. Xuan: To carry the trash on. :(phone beeps) Molly: Hold on. Seriously, Dad? Becky: Is everything okay? Molly: Uh, yeah. My dad installed this app on my phone. If I don’t answer their texts in five minutes, the phone breaks. It’s the worst. Tamika: I wish I had a phone to answer. Becky: Really, Tamika? Your wish is for a phone? Not world peace? Tamika: But how will I know there’s world peace if I don’t have a phone? Molly: So we’ll meet after school. :(phone beeps) Molly: No, now is not a good time to talk. I’m super excited for this. It’s going to be— :(phone beeps) Becky: If you’re too busy with your text messages, I’d be happy to take over— Molly: Back off, Bec! I got this. ---- Nick: Bonjour. I’m Nick. I’m new to this school. Or you could say I’m nouvelle. French Club President: Excellent pronunciation, Nick. Nick: Merci. So I was thinking about joining the French Club. French Club President: Oh, well, we’d love to have you, but first we need to make sure you’re serious. You’re not a dilettante, are you? Nick: Non, non. I can assure you, I’m quite serious. I love all things French: the food, the culture, the museums, and, of course, I simply adore french fries. That’s my little joke. Obviously, french fries are Belgian. :(laughs) French Club President: I like this one. I wish everyone at this school appreciated the French culture as much as you do. Nick: Well, trust me, we’re out there. Like, I was just talking to Jeremy Thompson, who’s running for student body president, by the way, and he was telling me what a Francophile he is. He was even talking about a school-wide Bastille Day celebration. French Club President: Vive le Jeremy! :(enthusiastic cheers) ---- Molly: Mom, Dad is killing me. Liz: What’s going on? Molly: He’s been blowing up my phone with texts all day. Dad: “Whatcha doing?” Me: “I’m upstairs peeing.” Dad: “What’s up?” Me: “You’re driving me to school. Don’t text and drive.” Dad: “Yo, how’s lunch? Give me the deets.” Me: “No one says ‘deets’ anymore.” Dad: “Thanks for the deets.” Shall I go on? There’s 67 more texts about deets and some about giving him the 411. Liz: Well, it could be worse, you know, you could have a father who doesn’t care about your life. Molly: Yes! Please. Mom, do something. Make him delete this app. Liz: While I sympathize with what you’re going through, and I really do, this is your dad’s call and I support him. Molly: Fine. I’ll go talk to him. Where is he? Liz: Ed, come quick! :(door bangs) Ed: What? What’s the emergency? Liz: Oh, no emergency. Molly wants to talk to you. Ed: Oh. Sweet. You wanna talk IRL? Molly: You know it, text buddy. I just wanted to say, today has been so fun. I have really been enjoying your memes, your GIFs, and did I mention your bitmoji was fire? Ed: I don’t know what that means, but I’m loving it. It’s like we… we’ve really been bonding today. Molly: Yes, it is like we’ve really been bonding. But here’s the thing. I feel like you’re getting the impression that I’m only texting you back because of this app. Liz: Isn’t that exactly why you’ve been texting him back? Molly: You’re so cynical. Dad, I feel like your experiment has been a total success. I promise that if you delete this app, I will answer any text you send me. Ed: Well, it seems as though the app has been working its magic. Liz: Wow, really? Just like that? Ed: Yeah. I think she’s learned her lesson. I deem you rehabilitated. Here you go, my text buddy. Molly: Oh my God. Thank you, you’re the best. Ed: Wisdom imparted, crisis averted, and that is how you parent. Liz: You should do a TED Talk. ---- Nick: You know what I love about film? The wish-fulfillment. The hero’s journey. And you know whose hero’s journey I am most excited about? Jeremy Thompson. Nick: Jeremy would totally kill me if he knew I was telling you this, but I saw him crying, I mean ugly crying, just… reading Anna Karenina. And not in the part where she dies. He gets you guys. Nick: Jeremy just said last night that he thinks Neymar is completely overrated. Messi will always be el primero in soccer. I’m sorry. Fútbol. ---- Jeremy: So? How’s it looking? I’m gonna win 321 to 299? Nick: It’s just an estimate. It was a hard couple of days of canvassing the school, but I’m pretty sure I got you the votes. Jeremy: Wow. I’m gonna be student council president. Nick, you’re a genius. Nick: All you gotta do is give your campaign speech at the assembly and the election is in the bag. Jeremy: Sure, m-my campaign speech. What do you think my theme should be? Nick: Listen, just keep it vague, and tell them what they wanna hear. Jeremy: But, don’t they care what I’m going to do when I become president? Nick: No, dude. They don’t. Jeremy: Okay. Fine. Tell them what they wanna hear. Got it. ---- Liz: Hey, where’s Molly? Ed: At Becky’s house. Liz: Well, I’m on with her pediatrician. They have a cancellation for Friday. I wanna know if she has any plans. Ed: No problem. I’ll hit up my text buddy. Liz: Hi, sorry, just checking. One more minute. :(phone beeps) Liz: Well? Ed: Delivered, read… waiting… No bubbles. Liz: (Liz sighs) I need to know. This is for her annual check-up. We want Dr. Hernandez. She’s always booked solid. Ed: Let me send another text. This time, I’ll include an angry emoji, so she knows it’s urgent, and a happy emoji so she knows we’re still friends. :(phone beeps) Ed: She’s not responding. Come on, text buddy. Liz: (sighs) I’m sorry. Just one more second. I need to know now. Ed: Still nothing. I don’t understand. Liz: I’m just gonna take the appointment. Hi. Sorry. Yeah, we’ll take it. Thank you. Ed: Well, there’s gotta be an explanation. She was probably in the middle of something very important. Liz: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, I’m sure. Ed: Maybe she was pooping. Liz: So? That girl does 90% of her social media on the toilet. ---- Nick: You got this. Trust me. Jeremy: I do got this. And maybe. Nick: Progress. Yay. Jeremy: Citizens of this school… As you know, I’m Jeremy Thompson. :(applause, cheers) Jeremy: You know, I was going to give you a standard campaign speech, full of empty promises. But you’re too smart for that. Nick: Oh, no. Jeremy: After all, you’re going to elect me as your president, so you should know what I have planned for the school. :(applause) Jeremy: So here is my 11 point plan for a better tomorrow. Number one, a curriculum review board staffed by student peers. Jeremy: And finally, number 11— Girl: Enough already! Boy: Get off the stage! Jeremy: Well, uh, we can make number 11 a surprise. So, uh, anyway, in conclusion, as your next president, I look forward to working with all of you… Boy #2: You suck! Jeremy: …to forge a better tomorrow. (mouths) Thank you. :(unenthusiastic clapping) Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa Haddad, and I’m not him. :(audience cheers) Lisa: Thank you. :(wild cheering) Jeremy: So… I think maybe I bombed. Nick: Yeah, man, ya did. I don’t even want to vote for you now. Jeremy: I’m sorry. You worked so hard, a-and I screwed up. Nick: Okay, okay, I’ll… I’ll try to fix this. Jeremy: How? Nick: I don’t know. But I’ll figure it out. ---- Liz: Oh, hey, Molly. You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow after school. Molly: Can’t tomorrow. We’re doing beach clean-up after school. Liz: Oh, sorry, sweetie, it’s already booked. Molly: You booked a doctor’s appointment without even asking me? Liz: Hey, a little help here? Ed: Actually, I did text ya, twice. Liz: Yeah, and guess what? Without that app on your phone, you didn’t respond. Molly: I was busy doing something. Ed: See? Told you she had a good reason. Molly: Can’t you reschedule the appointment? Ed: That seems like a good solution. Liz: No. No, it isn’t. Because I reworked my entire schedule to take you to that appointment. Molly: But I organized the beach clean-up. If I don’t go, Becky will take all the credit. This is really important to me. Liz: And you’re really important to me. And it is my job to make sure you take care of your health. So we are going to that appointment. Ed: Come on, guys, let’s not fight about this. Molly: This is so unfair. Yeah, I know this is all just some sort of power play to teach me a lesson. But why do turtles have to pay the price? Liz: (sarcastic) Thanks. That was really helpful. Ed: Sorry. I just didn’t want her to hate me. Liz: Well, congratulations. Now she hates me. Ed: I don’t know what we got here. I was just trying to connect with Molly and create a little family harmony. Liz: But instead, you made the situation a million times worse, because you’re afraid to confront problems head-on. Then I’m always the one who has to come and clean up the mess. Ed: I can fix this. Don’t be mad at your mom. She’s just… looking out for you. :(phone beeps) Ed: Whoa, she responded. Not a very nice response, but she did respond. Liz: It’s almost like having consequences for her actions forced her to change. Ed: If I could go back in time, I would do things differently. Liz: Oh. Why don’t you see if there’s an app for that? ---- Principal Burke: These are all the votes. Take them to the front office for counting and don’t let them out of your sight. Ballot Keeper: I’m on it. Nick: Oh my God, I’m so sorry! It’s my fault. Let me… let me get it. I got this. Sorry. Ballot Keeper: It’s okay. ---- Jeremy: I am freaking out here. Nick: Relax. It’s all going to work out. Jeremy: Well, easy for you to say. You didn’t revise your resume from the future 16 times last night. :(voice on tannoy clears throat) Principal Burke: Attention, students. The results of the election are in. The new student body president is… Jeremy Thompson. Jeremy/Nick: I did it! Principal Burke: I won’t give out exact vote totals, because that’s mean to the loser. I mean, non-winner. I mean, second-place winner. Oh, damn it. Sorry, Lisa. Jeremy: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I could have never done this without you. Nick: Hey, it’s no problem. We’re family, right? We look out for each other. Jeremy: Yeah, I… I guess we do. Maybe I was wrong about you. Nick: Maybe you were. Jeremy: I wonder how badly I beat Lisa. Nick: Who cares, man. You won. Just enjoy it. You can do that, can’t you? Jeremy: Damn right, I can. Thank you. Student: Congratulations. Jeremy: Thank you. Thank you. Lisa: I guess I underestimated you, and vastly overestimated the school. Enjoy your win. Jeremy: I will. Thank you? I need you to do me a favor. Jim: Just give me an address. I can make it look like an accident. Jeremy: I need you to find me the exact vote totals. Jim: Oh. I’m on it, El Presidente. Jeremy: Did you get it? Jim: Boss, you don’t keep me around for my charming personality. Though I’m not sure anyone knows the real me, if we’re being honest about things. Jeremy: We’re really not. Jim: Noted. So, vote totals were 321 to 299. Jeremy: 321 to 299. Go, Jeremy. You rock! Jim: Yeah, you do. Wanna grab a victory slushie? Jeremy: Not today, Jim. Jim: Soft pass, soft pass, it’s all good. Jeremy: 321 to 299… Not bad at all. 321 to 299… ---- :(phone beeps) Molly: You call that a clean beach, Becky? There’s literally a plastic bag in that seagull’s mouth. :(door rattles) Molly: (sarcastic) Don’t mind the closed door. Jeremy: Sorry, but I have to tell you something that will blow your mind. Check this out. Molly: What is this? Jeremy: Nick’s estimate of the vote totals. Molly: So? Jeremy: That’s also the exact number of votes that both I and Lisa Haddad actually got. Molly: You and I have very different standards when it comes to mind-blowing. Jeremy: Do you know what the odds are of Nick getting those totals right? I mean, she’d have to know how many people were going to vote, how many were going to vote for me, how many were going to vote for Lisa… I mean, then there’s the write-in possibility. I mean, no one did that, but how would she know? Molly: How did you even know the exact results? It was a secret. Jeremy: That doesn’t matter. Molly: Jim? Jeremy: What matters is that I know something is fishy with both Nick and this count. Molly: Come on, you won. Why are you accusing Nick of doing something wrong? Jeremy: But statistic— Molly: Forget the statistics! All I know is that Nick worked her butt off to make your dream come true. That must mean she’s a terrible person. Jeremy: I only said fishy, I never said terrible. Molly: Look, if you really think Nick did something underhanded, go to the principal. Get Nick in trouble. Ask for another election. You may not win again, but at least you’ll take Nick down with you. So… What are you gonna do? Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts